Ever felt like you had something very important in your mind you just wanted to get out? Something that seemed to be of great significance that you just needed to share with the world?
Well, not me.
All I have is random rants, silly everyday quirks and a whole lot of shit, which just about sums up my life.
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Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Memory

Noises. Really loud noises.
Blinding flashes of light, followed by huge, vivid images on a wall.
The feeling that all these were dulled versions of what I would have actually experienced had my senses not deliberately been tampered with.
Earmuffs and a cap, I was told later, were what protected my fragile senses from an overload of external stimuli.
A roar resonated through the hall.
I heard a few screams. Funny, my yet underdeveloped mind thought, the noise was kind of soothing to my ears.
I drifted in and out of sleep, trying to figure out what was happening around me, but to no avail.
Everything but that wall was pitch black, darker than an endless abyss.
I gave up trying to fight back against sleep and was soon lost in the dream world, weaving through adventures, which now included bright lights and the occasional roar.


So I wrote this.
Then I asked my dad about it.
Apparently, when I was less than a year old, my parents took me along when they went to watch Jurassic Park.
Mr. Steven Spielberg, you helped shape my first memory ever.

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Nostalgia Twenty Eleven

So its that time of the year again.
That wondrous time when everyone is happy, all hearts are filled with joy and I simply can't help but have a wide grin plastered across my face as I go around spreading merriment and cheer wherever I go!
Its discount time at the local liquor store!
Oh wait, no. Got my dates a little mixed up there.
Its the end of the year.

2011.

Brings to my mind as many wondrous memories as Oscar worthy movies by Mahesh Bhatt.

But then again, memories are memories, no matter how horrible, sad or filled with vomit they are.

So here I go, flipping through the pages of 2011, for your benefit!
(And my readership, obviously)


#1
A dead squirrel, found burning in the bonfire, has the potential to screw up a New Year's countdown.

#2
In Agra, the locals refer to the Yamuna simply as 'The Big Gutter'.
Funnily enough, its what my friends call me when I'm around booze.

#3
What kind of friend stops liking you just because you said you wouldn't hesitate before killing him?
Weird people, I tell you.

#4
When the heart's in love, the brain takes a sabbatical.
The penis, however, never takes an off.

#5
One must avoid laughing when being threatened by an unknown adversary.
Even if said adversary sounds like Justin Bieber on crack.

#6
Had to buy a pair of shoes. Checked out a thousand pair..
Of Boobs.
Then bought the shoes I'd seen a week before.

#7
Watching an Aamir Khan movie.
Watching an Aamir Khan movie after 10 shots of whiskey.
Same difference.

#8
Footballs are like boobs.
They're both round and I cant live without seeing either everyday.

#9
The LSR annual fest.
A collection of all the hot girls who'd never date me.

#10
My college thinks its cool to give me disturbing nightmares by making me be a part of the audience to a competition where guys take to the stage in their briefs and show off oiled, bronzed bodies.

#11
Random hot girl I've just been introduced to: I don't like drinking.
Me: *Mentally strike off a name from 'To Do list'*

#12
The best way to get a seat in the Metro, even if it works, probably does not involve throwing up in the middle of the Train.

#13
Mom - Where were you for the last six hours?
Me - *Runs to the bathroom to throw up*
Mom - Oh.

#14
How to tell your Football team is doomed.
Kicking the other team, not kicking the ball, is the game strategy.

#15
Everything beats the feeling of watching a Delhi-Hyderabad IPL match live.
Yep, you read that right.

#16
If you wear a hat that's five times bigger than your face to a cricket match, I will laugh at you, to your face.
Even if you're a ten year old girl.

#17
Jerking off, code named 'de-stressing', is my football team's choice of warm up exercise.

#18
Kingfisher Beer sucks.

#19
Three years into a relationship means one is expected to finish the other person's beer, no matter how warm and disgusting it now tastes.

#20
One fight is all it takes to drain the happiness out of my life.

#21
Exams fuck me whether I study or I don't.
Actually, I wouldn't know, never tried the former.

#22
Manchester United fans are royal cunts if they still think their team is any good.
PS. Viva La Barca!

#23
Thukpa.
Supposedly a northeastern delicacy.
In reality, its a shit load of bland noodles served in what tastes like water drained from a dishwasher.

#24
Vodka Capacity Discovered. Half a liter.

#25
If you think booze, fags and drugs give the best highs ever, you've never gazed at a million stars, lying down, in Bhimtal.

#26
A video discoverd from a drunken night which involves six people, all guys, is best left unseen.

#27
Baked a cake for Sanchi's birthday.
Surprisingly, the cake was perfect, not at all burnt.
Wish i could the say the same for the state of the hand blender after I used it.

#28
One liter of Whiskey.
Neat.
Whiskey capacity discovered.
Hospital Emergency Room discovered soon after.

#29
The Dry Resolution: I will never drink again.

#30
Friends are those people who, on your birthday, raise a beer each to you.
3 weeks after you've pledged to stay sober.

#31
Not drinking for six weeks is a world record.
No matter what you say.

#32
Beer + Photography = Epic Win.
Literally.

#33
Distance must be maintained from all drunk girls when one is in a relationship.
No matter how good your intentions, there is at least one camera out there that can make you look guilty as hell.

#34
Watching a movie titled 'Friends with Benefits' with a girl your girlfriend is not very fond of, is like taking a giant pair of shears and chopping your own balls off.

#35
'Breaks lead to breakups.'
- Me, 29th September

#36
I'm a Blackberry Boy. Fml.

#37
Happiness is an illusion.
Only those who believe in it can truly feel it.
I believed.
You didn't.

#38
Just got proven right about #35.

#39
Escapism is the worst way to deal with heartbreak.

#40
Depression is best cured with a bottle of Vodka. Or two.

#41
Wrote an article about how Kingfisher beer is the same as recycled puke from a Budweiser drinker.
Kingfisher then gave me two passes to the Pitbull concert.

Moral of the story: Spew shit, it works.

PS. Also, Vodka capacity upgraded to 1 litre.

#42
Never try your hand at Math after 10 shots of vodka.
A bill for 2800, split between 4 people and I end up paying my 'share' of 1200 bucks.

#43
Beer capacity discovered.
4.5 liters.

#44
Dancers dance naked in their rooms cause they like it raw. And I like watching football because I love it when guys play with balls.
- Sanjali Sharma

#45
Can lost love ever be found?

#46
Pussies love meat.

Cat lovers just nodded in agreement. People with minds like mine sniggered like mad.

#47
I just wrote all this. I have way too much time on my hands.
PS. This one was simply to help get me to #50 faster.

#48
Its impossible to control your laughter while getting suspicious looks from the guard checking your car as he sees four teenagers inside and one microwave in the boot!

#49
Consume enough Rum and you can fly!
Or at least glide for a second before you fall down in a heap.

#50
Happy New Beer everyone!
May 2012 give us another fifty things to talk about!

And more booze :D

Sunday, 11 December 2011

I'm sorry Zuck, but it sure does Suck

Statutory Warning: NOT reading my blog can be injurious to your health and will lead to a rather slow, painful death at the hands of Aamir Khan.
Not only will he kill you, he'll keep you waiting, in suspense, for two years, while he plans exactly how he'll kill you. And then probably finish you off on Christmas eve.

So I got an Application request on Facebook last night. Here's what it looked like.

I think this app wants to marry me!

Okay, so maybe that last part was just in my head. But seriously, everytime I see one of these, i can't help thinking to myself- Not another one of those god awful application requests that, even though may claim to be nothing more than an App to send virtual Teddy Bears to your friends, may have just as much chances of spamming your entire friend list with semi-porn!

Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Damn, I swear it sounded way cooler in my head.
Anyways, till a couple of years ago, Facebook used to be such a joy to scroll through, making it so much easier for me to stalk..err.. connect with all my friends on Facebook.

But now?
It looks like my study table, filled with crap that doesn't belong there, while everything that should be on it, lies at the very edges, threatening to fall right off at any moment.

I mean every single time I log onto Facebook now, why do I have to be visually assaulted with hundred tidbits of information that don't give two hoots about, while the tiny shred of a detail that I actually care about gets lost in the crowd, somewhat like that really hot Russian chick in that Akshay Kumar song?

What I don't understand is, what are they trying, really?
Facebook now looks like a rather pathetic, ugly and useless networking site where meaningless viral spam is as common as genuine status updates.
Orkut, I'd say, if I was asked to sum that up.

All I'd end with, I guess, is a few words from one genius who turned into a person who now regularly fills shits onto other people's web pages, to another- At least people come to my site, Zuckerburg!

Oh wait. Damn.


Ps. While you're at it, umm.. mind sharing this on Facebook?

Sunday, 4 December 2011

MathemaTicked

Maths. A wondrous subject with endless possibilities for the human mind to explore limitlessly, allowing one to soar on a true intellectual high, helping a bright little kid win awards at an age when he was still too small to completely grasp the concept about the birds and the bees.

Let me try that again.

Maths. Got me an award or two back in 5th grade. Never got me laid. Screwed me over repeatedly. Still not finished fucking with my life, even in my second year of college.

That sounds about right.