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All I have is random rants, silly everyday quirks and a whole lot of shit, which just about sums up my life.
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Friday, 21 December 2012

Error 404: Apocalypse not found

So its the 21st of December 2012.


Wait a minute. Aren't we all supposed to be dead right now?
Isn't it supposed to be doomsday or something?

Is God so lazy that he forgot he's supposed to zap the human race into extinction today? 
Is he such a huge procrastinator that he simply put it off for a while?
Maybe he's sitting and watching cat videos on YouTube right now, saying to himself , "Just one more."
Or maybe it is videos, just not *YouTube*

Can't help but wonder what browser he uses.

Anyways, in the eventuality that this really had been the onset of doomsday, I'd made a handy instruction manual for saving my own ass the survival of the general public . Guess there's no point keeping it in my underwear drawer triple enforced bio-metrically coded super-safe anymore.

Needless to say, I avoid changing my underwear too often.


(Can also be applied to the scenario where there is no Chocolate in the house)

The first step, as even an eight year old child could tell you is also probably the most vital. 
On it, balanced rather precariously, lie your chances of survival.


STEP #1: Pic or it didn't happen!

The first thing to do (obviously) is to update all your social networks so that everyone can know you're still alive and you can poke each other and like photos and and Tweet stuff and pretend LIKE THE WORLD ISN'T FRIGGING ENDING IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES.

You've got something on your face, dude.

Which brings us to the next step in our survival guide. This one's almost a no-brainer and is so obvious I'd be ashamed if you haven't thought of it already.

STEP 2: Enslave an army of battle ready primates for engaging in wars in the post-apocalyptic world

A group of monkeys is called a 'troop'. That should be hint enough to tell you what purpose monkeys have on Planet Earth. 
You now lead a brainwashed suicide army that follows your every order and kills anyone who doesn't give you a slice of their pizza. 

If the Ramayan has taught me anything, its that Vaanar Senas are unbeatable.
This is a whole new level of awesomeness.

Pizza. That reminds me of the three things essential for survival.

STEP 3: The Three Essentials

Beer, Pizza and an XBox 360. Enough said.

These aliens don't stand a chance against my sniper skills.
You're blocking my view dude.

Speaking of console video games involving mindless sex, violence and a general lack of direction, you might also want to stock up on a few Bollywood movies beforehand.

STEP 4: Screw the Law

The world is ending around you. Zombies are chasing you. Volcanoes are erupting everywhere. The Earth shakes every few minutes, each tremor stronger than the last. A plane stands in front of you, about to take off. It will take you someplace safer but there's only seconds before it takes off. You run towards the door, barely managing to grab onto it... 

'The first coach is reserved for women only'

This is not the time to follow laws, you idiot! Just because the light turned red, does NOT mean you wait for the aliens to catch up with your beaten up car!
Ignore the speed limits, overtake from the left, take an illegal turn, drive on the wrong side!
Basically, do what Delhiites do, everyday!

Though its probably safe to assume that some rules do apply, no matter what.

That flammable sign is just a myth. Like Global Warming. And Sachin's retirement.
After this, I'm gonna go stick my finger into an electrical socket

And now for the fifth and final step to surviving doomsday.
*Cue Drum Roll*

STEP 5: Google a Survival Guide that could actually help save your life

I just click on that colorful thing and I get all my answers!
Because Google knows everything.

PS. Whoever traded all my valuables with me for a truck full of monkeys, is there any chance you guys do refunds?

PPS. Is there a safe word I can use to make them stop trying to kill me?