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Wednesday, 9 November 2011

When asked Questions, Mum's the Word

Last night, while I was studying, my mom suddenly asked me- 'Salil, are you sexually active yet?'

This was followed by an awkward silence, like what you'd expect if Baba Ramdev showed up at your gay cousin's wedding. Fortunately, the possibility of something like that happening is less than that of Arnab Goswami breathing between sentences on his show.

As I sat there pondering over how to give the smartest, most honest possible answer to my mum, I realized- I was no longer a kid, I was nineteen, a mature adult well above the legal age, I could think for myself, take my own decisions, and stand by those decisions too.

So I took a deep breath, looked my mum straight in her eyes and said in an extremely serious voice , 'I really need to pee mom, I'll talk to you later'.

*Whew* Disaster averted.

What's with moms nowadays? They ask the toughest of questions. Gone are the good old days when the toughest question posed by moms would be 'Beta, Butter Chicken or Paneer tonight?'

The other day, I came back home from a friend's birthday party, only to come face to face with my mum waiting for me in the hall.

The following is a real conversation, as real as India's hopes of winning the FIFA World Cup-2014:

Mum: Have you been drinking Salil?

Now this, is a rather dangerous, double-edged question.
My parents are aware of my drinking habits, if you call being woken up at 3am by a couple of family friends and being told I'm lying in the ER of a hospital as being made aware, but they've also told me to avoid drinking as far as possible.

Answering in the affirmative would most definitely get me screwed. And not in the good way, when its Megan Fox doing the screwing, but more along the lines of Paris Hilton doing the screwing while Nicole Richie stands on a side, waiting for those moments when you feel a little better, to suddenly flash you, leaving you writhing in agony.

On the other hand, answering this question in the negative might earn me some respite, but it would surely be short-lived, lasting only as long as the smells in the room managed to overpower the Smirnoff scented Air-Freshener that was my mouth.

So I chose the best way, the honest way out of this situation-

Me: Yes mom, I've had a drink or two, but I drank very responsibly. I know my limits and I respect them. I also know I have my family name to uphold, and that I must not tarnish it due to my irresponsible activities.

Sometimes I actually say such stuff like that..
And have a threesome with Megan Fox and Scarlett Johansson in a hot tub right after.
But no, here's what really happened:

I puked all over the floor, the puke forming a huge puddle on the carpet, which, interestingly enough, looked like a Chihuahua's rear. Or Simi Garewal's face, whichever you find easier to picture.
On the bright side, at least I managed to evade the original question, which was less of a question and more of a test of my integrity.

So why are the questions our mums ask turning more awkward and tougher to answer by the day?
Is it possible that they are *gasp* ACTUALLY GROWING SMARTER?!

Excuse me while you ponder over that, my mum just asked me how often I watch porn and I really need to pee right now.