Ever felt like you had something very important in your mind you just wanted to get out? Something that seemed to be of great significance that you just needed to share with the world?
Well, not me.
All I have is random rants, silly everyday quirks and a whole lot of shit, which just about sums up my life.
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Friday, 21 December 2012

Error 404: Apocalypse not found

So its the 21st of December 2012.

21.12.12

Wait a minute. Aren't we all supposed to be dead right now?
Isn't it supposed to be doomsday or something?

Is God so lazy that he forgot he's supposed to zap the human race into extinction today? 
Is he such a huge procrastinator that he simply put it off for a while?
Maybe he's sitting and watching cat videos on YouTube right now, saying to himself , "Just one more."
Or maybe it is videos, just not *YouTube*

Can't help but wonder what browser he uses.

Anyways, in the eventuality that this really had been the onset of doomsday, I'd made a handy instruction manual for saving my own ass the survival of the general public . Guess there's no point keeping it in my underwear drawer triple enforced bio-metrically coded super-safe anymore.

Needless to say, I avoid changing my underwear too often.


WHEN DOOMSDAY STRIKES

(Can also be applied to the scenario where there is no Chocolate in the house)



The first step, as even an eight year old child could tell you is also probably the most vital. 
On it, balanced rather precariously, lie your chances of survival.

 

STEP #1: Pic or it didn't happen!


The first thing to do (obviously) is to update all your social networks so that everyone can know you're still alive and you can poke each other and like photos and and Tweet stuff and pretend LIKE THE WORLD ISN'T FRIGGING ENDING IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES.


You've got something on your face, dude.
Cheese!



Which brings us to the next step in our survival guide. This one's almost a no-brainer and is so obvious I'd be ashamed if you haven't thought of it already.

STEP 2: Enslave an army of battle ready primates for engaging in wars in the post-apocalyptic world


A group of monkeys is called a 'troop'. That should be hint enough to tell you what purpose monkeys have on Planet Earth. 
Congratulations. 
You now lead a brainwashed suicide army that follows your every order and kills anyone who doesn't give you a slice of their pizza. 

If the Ramayan has taught me anything, its that Vaanar Senas are unbeatable.
This is a whole new level of awesomeness.

Pizza. That reminds me of the three things essential for survival.

STEP 3: The Three Essentials


Beer, Pizza and an XBox 360. Enough said.

These aliens don't stand a chance against my sniper skills.
You're blocking my view dude.

Speaking of console video games involving mindless sex, violence and a general lack of direction, you might also want to stock up on a few Bollywood movies beforehand.

STEP 4: Screw the Law


The world is ending around you. Zombies are chasing you. Volcanoes are erupting everywhere. The Earth shakes every few minutes, each tremor stronger than the last. A plane stands in front of you, about to take off. It will take you someplace safer but there's only seconds before it takes off. You run towards the door, barely managing to grab onto it... 

'The first coach is reserved for women only'

This is not the time to follow laws, you idiot! Just because the light turned red, does NOT mean you wait for the aliens to catch up with your beaten up car!
Ignore the speed limits, overtake from the left, take an illegal turn, drive on the wrong side!
Basically, do what Delhiites do, everyday!


Though its probably safe to assume that some rules do apply, no matter what.

That flammable sign is just a myth. Like Global Warming. And Sachin's retirement.
After this, I'm gonna go stick my finger into an electrical socket


And now for the fifth and final step to surviving doomsday.
*Cue Drum Roll*


STEP 5: Google a Survival Guide that could actually help save your life


I just click on that colorful thing and I get all my answers!
Because Google knows everything.



PS. Whoever traded all my valuables with me for a truck full of monkeys, is there any chance you guys do refunds?

PPS. Is there a safe word I can use to make them stop trying to kill me?

Saturday, 21 July 2012

A Night to Remember

It was around a quarter to twelve last Friday night. My dad was returning home by metro and had asked me to pick him up from the Huda City Centre Metro Station. It wasn't the first time I had picked him up like this, even at this odd hour. I was waiting for him on the other side of the road, right in front of the temple.

Looking behind me, I noticed the Police check post, just a few metres away and wondered what the policemen inside might be up to. However, not much was visible as most of the street lamps were either switched off or not functioning.

Checking the time, I realized it was almost midnight so I called up my dad to find out how much longer he would take. He mentioned that he has already gotten off the train which had just arrived and would take just a few minutes more to reach where I was standing when two guys whom I'd never seen before pulled up on a bike next to me.
At first, being on a call, I didn't realize that they were talking to me. Suddenly, without warning, the one riding pillion shoved me back, catching me completely off guard. Before I could even ask him what happened or what it was he wanted, he got off the bike and I noticed for the first time that he was holding a thick wooden 'lathi', the kind carried around by guards and beat cops. Without a word, he swung the lathi over his head and hit me on my right shoulder. Before I could back off, or even put up my guard, he swung the lathi yet again, this time landing it with a deafening thud, on my head. I could hear his mate, the guy driving, asking him to stop and get back onto the bike. It made no effect whatsoever on the attacker though, who seemed to be drunk and even at that moment, had a cigarette in his mouth.

I was almost paralyzed with shock after the blow to my head and barely had
time to react when he hit me for the third time, once again on the head. It was only after this third blow that I suddenly realized I needed to get away from these people. I started running away from them right away. The guy who had attacked me got back onto the bike to flee but even as they fled, he hit me once again on my right leg. Before I had even realized what had transpired or had recovered enough to note down the registration number of the bike, they were gone. It was only then that I realized my father had heard almost half the incident over the phone. I quickly called him up again, and asked him to get to me as soon as possible. Within a few seconds, he came running across the road to where I was standing, clutching my head. We immediately rushed to Paras Hospital where I was rushed into the Emergency Room.

Six stitches, three x-rays and over two hours later, I finally walked out of the Emergency Room and the Hospital.

The next morning, An Assistant Sub-Inspector from the Sushant Lok Police Station came to my house to collect a formal statement from me as a follow up to the medico-legal case that had been filed by the hospital itself the previous night. He was very helpful but seemed surprised that I had no idea who these guys were. In his opinion the possibility of finding these men was remote as I did not recognise them.

All in all, this was definitely one of the most random acts of completely
unnecessary violence I've ever witnessed or experienced.
Add to this the fact that I was barely a few meters from the Police check post
and one can't help but wonder, is Gurgaon really a so called 'Millennium City' during the daytime, but turns into a nightmare for an ordinary citizen showing its true, ugly face during the night, when most people are fast asleep inside their homes?

- Salil Shahane

Saturday, 28 April 2012

Opening Up

Here's a warning right upfront, this post isn't intended to be funny, inspirational or amazingly creative, it's exactly what the title suggests, Opening Up.


I take an instant dislike for people who lie, cheat or steal.
I know that makes me somewhat of a hypocrite, considering how I've indulged quite a bit in the first, but it doesn't stop me from judging people who do the same.
I am extremely loyal, unless I feel I'm being cheated on, at which point I become immediately disinterested.
I am an expert at completely severing all ties and relations with a person anytime I feel the need to do so, effectively cutting a person out of my life at a moment's notice.
I rarely take interest in anything new but I'm an impulsive addict when I do, which means if there's something or someone I really like, I'll probably ignore the rest of the world for it/that person.

I really enjoy writing, it helps calm me down.
When I'm sad or lonely or if I ever feel confused or lost, I write poetry.
My poetry is never thought out, its always impulsive, it helps me learn a little more about myself with every line I write.
Intriguingly enough, I've realized I never write a poem the way most people do, I usually end up starting with the last stanza, sometimes just the last line.
Almost anything can, and has inspired me to write a poem, it all depends on the state of my mind.

The one thing, though, that never fails to inspire me, is rain.
The color of the sky, as the clouds loom above, dark and menacing.
The roar of thunder, as the rain proclaims its arrival.
The flashes of lightning, illuminating the sky for the briefest of moments.
The pristine raindrops, falling through the sky, landing softly on the ground, as one by one, they cleanse the world of all the grime.

See how I almost lost myself there, just thinking about rain?
Now imagine what happens to me when it's actually raining.
I also occasionally dabble in the field of humorous blogs, rants and sarcasm being the weapons of my choice.

Another fascination I have, is photography.
I call it a fascination and not a hobby or a skill or a passion because that's exactly what it is, a fascination.
What excites me in the field of photography are the mysteries.
Finding out how something was done, exactly how an effect was achieved, maybe even trying my hand it myself.
But I must admit, I don't have the passion for photography that one must possess to pursue, say a career, in that field.

I cannot go through an entire article about myself without mentioning football.
Football has been my first love ever since I first played it in the third grade.
I'm a staunch FC Barcelona fan for the last three years, not only because they have a good team with really amazing players, but also because they are a team I can truly look up to, for their love of football and their respect for the rules that uphold the game.
To me, Puyol is the most underrated player in the world of football and Lionel Messi is my god.

Speaking of god, I have always been a firm non-believer in god.
I'm not an anti-theist, as some people think all of us non believers are. I do not laugh at people who believe god exists, neither do I ridicule those who practice idol-worship, nor do I mock those who believe in the concept of a savior or salvation.
Its a matter of personal beliefs, and I choose only to believe in myself.

The last thing you need to know about me is alcohol.
Whiskey is what I love the most, but I enjoy beer as well.
Sometimes far too much of it, as my friends (and doctors from hospital emergency rooms will tell you).
The problem with alcohol and me is I never back off from a challenge, whether it involves chugging bottles of beer, glasses of whiskey or shots of rum.
I develop an instant slight dislike for people who smoke.



A liar who hates liars.
A loyalist who gives up on people.
Rarely interested, but easily addicted.
A writer who doesn't know how he writes.
Fascinated but not passionate.
Football lover, cricket hater.
A non-believer who believes in himself.
A drunkard who looks down on smokers.

Just about sums me up.
Welcome to my life.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

On Being Single and Other Stuff

DISCLAIMER: I'm awesome. You suck. Read on.


The 14th of February was a very important day for me.
Yes, it was.
One of the most momentous days of my life.
It was.. hold your breath, ladies and gentleman..
* Cue Drumroll *

A HUNDRED days since I've been single!

For those of you who didn't know I was single, its alright, it simply means your existence extends beyond a computer screen.

For those of you who never knew I was even dating, you've obviously not had the privilege of being in my facebook friend list, where you would have probably puked at the constant barrage of mushy, love infused stream of posts from my account, which, I've been told, were more frequent than Poonam Pandey's attempts to shed her clothes in front of the entire nation.

So anyways, In the last three months, a lot of people have come up to me and asked how it feels to be single after such a long time in a relationship.
You can judge how often I've been asked that by the simple fact that I've actually dedicated a blog post to answering that question for them.
Or maybe I wrote this because I have absolutely nothing to do and my life is less eventful than Preity Zinta's Bollywood career.

Well, here goes.

Probably the worst part about the entire breakup was the fact that the relationship had lasted over three and a half years.
This meant all of my friends, my family, most of my extended family, my mum's friends, my dad's friends and basically everyone I've ever come in contact with knew I'd been dating.
Every time I have a conversation with one of these people now, I'm asked about my girlfriend and have to go through the same conversation again and again, which is almost as much fun as listening to an Anu Malik song on repeat 35687542 times.

However, being single isn't all that bad, I can tell you. For the first time in th
ree years, I'm at a stage in life when I can put my hands in my pockets and ACTUALLY come out with money, as compared to before, when all I'd manage to come up with were bills, phone numbers, a watch and cards.
Or as Farhan Akhtar calls it, stuff he lost in the last seven days.

The most horrible thing I've realized over the last three months, is that without a girlfriend, my life is slowly, but surely heading towards extreme boredom.
I'm at a point now where a change in the college canteen menu has the potential to be the highlight of my day.

Something my mum used to complain about all the time was that I never spent enough time with the family cause I was always busy with my girlfriend.
Dear mom, time spent with the family is about as memorable as breaking news on India TV. Its pointless, its a waste of time and NOBODY CARES.
Hah, I kid you.
Family time is actually fun.
Sometimes, the four of us actually look up from our phones to ask questions like- 'Are we there yet?'.

'So now that you're single, you can finally focus properly on your studies, right?' asked a friend the other day.
Are you fucking kidding me? All it means is that I now have to think of a better excuse for failing.
Ah, the joys of being an Engineering student.

The worst part though, undoubtedly, has been the action. Or lack thereof.
Yes, my life now has as much action as a bollywood movie from the seventies.
Which basically means I shake a few flowers in front of my own face and pretend I kissed a girl.

On that sad note, I should probably stop writing any further.

However, I will take the time to wish a belated happy valentines day to all of you who read my blog!
Yes, all three of you!
I hope you were single yesterday, cause if you weren't, fuck you.

PS. I have so little to do in life, that I sat and recalculated the number of days. Apparently, it was ninety seven days, not hundred.
Well, I'm pretty sure I'll still get to hundred before Sachin does, right?

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Resolu-shunned

Resolutions. Something I take up in a random moment of madness, try to avoid and slip out of for a week, brag about for another few days and finally, complain about how they were too damn demanding in the first place.

Well, here they are, anyways.

The first and most obvious thing that came to my mind and probably anyone else who's read this space before, is booze.

I drink too much, I've been told by friends, classmates, random people who've read my blog, Twitter followers who I've never met, my ex girlfriend, my parents, my ex girlfriend's friends, that girl I drank with once, my sister, my cousin, my ex girlfriend's cousin, that guy I drank with once, a doctor in an Emergency Room at 3am (though technically, since I'd passed out, this one doesn't count), batch mates from school, my friend's mum, my mum's friend..
Well, you get the point, right?

But how does one resolve to drink less?
Someone suggested I start collecting something, to keep my mind occupied.
I liked the idea so much, you're all welcome to come view my collection of Beer bottle caps, as it continues to grow everyday.

At least I'm happy to say I've succeeded in reducing my binging, I now drink more water than Beer in a week.
(Yes, that's an achievement)

So that resolution, its safe to say, has been discarded faster than tickets to an Uday Chopra movie.

The other resolution, which I've so far kept, was involving studies.

You tell me, what could be worse than having failed five courses by the end of three semesters?
I don't know, how about having failed seven?

So that should give you a certain idea how much attention I pay towards studies.
If not, let's just say the amount of time I study everyday is equal to the amount of screen time Arjun Rampal gives to emotions in his movies.

Which is why I firmly resolved to study at least one subject everyday for two hours, no matter how far away the exams were.

As I mentioned before, I've kept this resolution so far, over the last two weeks and have successfully clocked in just a little over thirty hours studying English.

The third resolution I decided to trap myself with this year, is about my phone.
Everywhere I go, people tell me I'm extremely obsessed with my phone.

Which I firmly disagree with.
There are times and places where I don't use my phone because its just not appropriate to do so.
I may be using it right now to write this, but that's not a big deal, is it?
Wait, just give me a minute while I flush.

So.. where was I?
Okay, so maybe I'm a little attached to my phone.
But just cause I almost got hit by a Nano on a busy intersection while I replied to texts and updated my BBM status doesn't necessarily mean I'm addicted to my phone, right?
Now that I think of it, it would have been highly embarrassing had I really been killed that day. Dying in a car accident where one is hit by a Nano is a death as dignified as being a Britney Spears fan.

My fourth and final resolution took a while for me to come up with.
While writing this post the other day, I required more ideas, so I asked one of my closest friends to tell me some of my most blatant flaws.
"You flirt with EVERYONE", came her immediate response.

Now that's SO NOT TRUE.
I only flirt with people who have boobs. And that does not include man boobs, for those of you who thought that up and sniggered just now.
Also, I have a flirting age bracket which looks something like -
[Boobs Developed . . . . . . MILF]
See that?
Just around 12% of the world's population!
Not at all everyone.

But I do flirt a lot, I guess.
Mostly, its because I'm high and obsessed with my phone simultaneously.
Which results in texts such as 'I want sex. Now give me sex!' being sent to a friend, who then has a hard time convincing her mum how I'm not some kind of sexual predator.
And then there are other cons of flirting too much, like 'It wasn't meant for you' just not working as an explanation when you send the link to a porn video to a second cousin instead of that hot girl you were sexting.

So I'm cutting down on my flirting.
I will now only flirt with four girls a week.
Two really hot ones, a random girl and a fourth one with brains.
God, who am I kidding?
I live in Gurgaon.
Scrap that last one off the list.

I guess that's enough for this year, I already have four more resolutions than I managed to keep in 2011.

So let's drink to that while I burn all my textbooks and flirt with a dozen random girls on BBM!

Oh crap.